Not a gold star...when you really look

I grew up in the era where different colored stars were put on your papers and worksheets in early elementary school. I'm not sure if this method is still used today. I know hand drawn stars and smiley faces were also used. This was a way of grading the homework...blue, red, silver and gold stars. Usually a gold star meant you were golden! I don't remember if I got many gold stars as a kid. And it does not matter.

I recently read a blog by a woman who was looking at her life from the outside in. Someone had told her that her life was golden. But she felt far from golden and she went on to write about how she see's herself. She feels far from golden and feels that if people really knew her they would not see her life as golden either. What she was sharing was a lot of self doubt and fears about her self and her life. Life long fears such as a fear of thunder storms-I fear high winds with bad thunderstorms but I love a good thunderstorm! And I don't know why. I used to have a fear of the basement drain in the house I grew up in. That was because when any appliance that used water would empty the drain would gurgle. My lovely brothers told me it was some kind of monster. I would tear up those basement stairs faster than heck if that drain was making noise. I'm sure they got a great deal of enjoyment from the fear they planted in my mind! Damn brothers!!

But the woman shared a lot of personal things and it hit home with me. I share some of her same fears and thoughts:
-I was bullied as a kid (but I think everyone was at some time) and it was mostly because of my red hair and big blue eyes.
-I have a hard time letting go of people, even after they hurt me. I always expect from others what I would do for them....and you know the rest of this story.
-I try to avoid groups, big or small in order to not be the invisible one or the one ignored. It hurts and it's happened, a lot.
-I feel like I'm an easy person to walk away from in life.
- I almost always operate under the assumption that I care more about everyone else than they do about me. I'm trying to fix this and to care less.
-I struggle, every single day, with feeling like I’m enough. Skinny enough. Funny enough. Good enough. I think this is a female way of thinking in some form or another. And it depends on the day.
-I cry in the shower, usually. No one knows, can tell or can hear. It works best for me.
-I detest loud, self-centered people, of any gender-it's not all about you. Zip it, we all have our battles and success. Helping with the battles and celebrating the successes is great but it does not have to always be all about you.
 -And I dislike men who are asses and treat women like they are second class humans-this includes my bosses who have done so and men in general who treat women poorly even in a small way. Respect is a valuable thing but gender has nothing to do with it. Honestly men with this kind of behavior really piss me off. Yep, I said that out loud. I'd like to fix them but you can't fix stupid and the best thing would be a dose of reality or a kick in the nuts-but doubt either would do any good.

And I highly doubt I would get a star for any of this. I've made my share of mistakes. I always doubt myself as a mother and parent. There are times I feel like I could have/should have done more or done something different as a mom but I did the best I could at the time and often times I did it alone. That's life. Not looking for a gold star here.

We all have scars real and invisible ones. It's the scars that tell the real, true story. Scars mean we showed up for the fight, we didn't run. We lived to tell.

Gold stars mean nothing it's the purple stars in life that matter. And everyone is fighting a battle of some kind. You can see what kind of battle some people are dealing with, while others cover what is going on so well you would guess their life is golden and nothing is wrong. You can't see the scars only the gold stars.

So having self doubt and thinking we are not deserving in life I know is normal. It is part of life. Waking up every morning and living each days the best we can do is a gift from God. Because life requires guts…it requires bravery…and it requires vulnerability. It's what it is all about.

The one thing I need to remember, we all need to remember, is that we are not in this fight alone. Everyone has a story. Everyone has scars. Everyone is fighting a fight and gold stars don't matter. Living each day and dealing with those fears do.

Positive thought of the day: Give yourself a gold star, just for living today!