Things to do at 3 a.m.

I'm up at 1:30 and still at 3:40 a.m. battling a migraine. I'm now wide awake thanks to the ice pack I had on the back of my neck to help relieve pain and the caffeine coated aspirin that I take when ever I get one of my lovely migraines.

But here's my point in all of this, I no longer view migraines as punishment for whatever trigger I tripped to get this. I now have a routine and step into action as soon as one starts or wakes me up. It's kind of like my mornings...wake up, spend a few minutes getting my mind ready for the day, my feet hit the floor and I start my routine. Just like I've got a nighttime migraine routine. Sad but true. 

What is interesting is once I get a handle on the migraine what the beverage of choice, a ton of water, Gatorade or coffee, meds and migraine yoga does to my mind and body then makes me feel like I want to do a full days worth of work while the rest of the world sleeps. So far this morning I've folded laundry, started a load of laundry, re-arranged and dusted some things on a shelf, knocked down cobwebs, dusted the top of doors and windows. If I lived alone I'd be a lot more noisy and accomplishing more. But out of respect for the other occupants in the house, both two and four-legged, I'm just tip-toeing around and trying to not be obnoxious. I'd go out for a walk but I don't want any neighbors who also may be up to look out their window wondering what is going on! So I just quietly accomplish small things and hope I can hit a normal schedule at 5 a.m., stay awake until 9 or 10 p.m. tonight and get back to a normal sleep routine, otherwise it will trigger another migraine. Ugh!

I've accomplished quite a bit on some of my middle of the night headaches. And while I'm not sure this what I should be doing, the feeling of euphoria from the caffeine and the relief from the pain of my migraine has me feeling pretty happy and good. My senses seem to be heightened! Like I notice things, a cobweb hanging in the corner, the fact that my kitchen counter needs to intensely be cleaned or small details like going through my boards on Pinterest and getting rid of things that I don't need or finding a new recipe to make when the rest of the world or at least my household wakes up and it is an acceptable time of day to be doing those kinds of things! If I've got a new breakfast recipe in the oven at 5:30 a.m. it is a good bet it was a migraine night that had some recovery time. 

I also plan and organize when I am on these "highs"! What I'm going to make or give for someone's next birthday or remember who to text next. I try to stay off of social media as it will suck me in and does more harm than good for my health and mental well being. I contemplate what to do with a wingback chair in my room, paint it, try to re-cover it or find a slip-cover on amazon. Currently the amazon option is winning out as I'm not sure about painting upholstery along with the cost, re-upholstery just sounds like a lot of work and the slip-cover sounds the easiest! Whew, I've got that situation under control.

Other great accomplishments...making a mental note to break out the hot glue gun to glue the little rubber foot to my laptop cover. See, I tell you great things are accomplished when I am on these middle of the night on one of these recovery jags. 

But don't get me wrong, I'd rather be like this than experiencing some of the worse pain of my life with a full blown migraine headache. And I contemplate the trigger or cause of this migraine...too much time in the direct sunshine, allergies from mowing lawn, the one alcoholic drink I had last night, the onion that was on my kabob that I did not eat but was toughing the meat that I ate or a host of several other migraine triggers I've discovered over the years. Who knows?

If I knew I would not wake the whole house I'd be cleaning out and moving closet contents, but I will be courteous and respect other's sleep and just accomplish small things... I think I'll go heat up that glue gun now and maybe clean the kitchen sink while I wait for it to get hot....I tell you this euphoric high is real...I understand how much multiple coffees each day keep me going! 

I'm off to quietly accomplish great things until this lets me sleep or I start having coffee and just keep going for the day on four hours of sleep. Regardless I'm just happy to be on this side of a migraine and not in the middle of that nastiness. 

The chance to say goodbye

Goodbye, a simple term that we use as we leave or end a conversation. A sign-off or a way to signify the end of something or conversation. We use it daily and usually without thinking. If you look up the meaning of goodbye it gives you a definition along the lines of "used to express good wishes when parting or at the end of a conversation".

The opportunity to say goodbye is a blessing if you really think about it. And yesterday I had that opportunity to say a final goodbye to someone who has been part of my life and our family for the past 30+ years. 

My brother in-law, Steve, is losing his battle with cancer, and I'm just going to say it, cancer really, really, really sucks. I've watched for the past 18 months as he and my sister have waged an all out war on this terrible disease. It's been heart and gut wrenching. It's been highs and lows, happy and sad, victories and defeats but until the past week or so it was an ever going, all out war and battle with a ton of prayer warriors, love and support that reaches far and wide for Steve and my sister. The term family reaches farther than blood in the love and support for my brother in-law and sister in this life battle.

For me the fight against this sucky disease has taken on a very personal touch once again. I've watched a man who brought love, happiness, support, care and such a positive approach to life, wage this battle with all he could. So when my sister called and asked if I'd like to come and say goodbye  I knew I wanted the opportunity to thank this man who could talk to anyone, worked hard his whole life and who made all of us who called him family feel loved. Anyone who came in contact with Steve always felt welcomed and at home and like they had just had a conversation with a dear friend, regardless if it was the first or 50th time they'd met Steve. I could pick his voice out in a crowd and honestly I've never had or overheard a conversation with Steve that wasn't kind and interesting. He had a friendly, positive approach to life. He knew what it was like to face battles and forever kept a positive attitude. 

Steve brought happiness and love not only to my sister and niece but he brought it in a quiet way to our family, along with six kids, their spouses and grandkids who he is fiercely proud of. He didn't make a grant entrance into a room, but after talking with him he would leave you feeling like he cared, he listened and he was a friend. He was a kind soul who never met a stranger and I think he was the epitome of a sales man, but he was much more than that, he care about everyone he met. I honestly think he made friends every day of his life. 

So when I had the opportunity to have a few moments alone with Steve I thanked him for bringing love and happiness to my sister and niece, and for all the love and care he brought to my family. I told him, that I along with so many more people who know and loved him, we would all help take care of my sister. And finally I asked him to tell my parents hi. I know it was a simple goodbye, but it was how Steve was, a  simple guy with a huge heart and the gift of gab and making friends every where he went-truly a gift. 

I don't know if Steve was one of those salesmen who could sell a freezer to an Eskimo (he was good at what he did), but I do know that he had the gift of making people comfortable, that he cared, he could talk to anyone and that his family was a priority. He knew the meaning of work and always had a smile on his face. 

The opportunity to say goodbye, as hard as it is on those left behind, is truly a blessing that I forget to appreciate. And as I drove back home last night I had the opportunity to think how people come into our lives and what we take away and learn from them. From Steve I learned he never met a stranger and how to always make the people you love a priority. Thank you Steve for all you brought into all of our lives and know that you are leaving a huge void that will never be filled. And because of this I'm going to try to be a little bit more like Steve, talk to strangers, make friends along the way and enjoy life and always have a smile. 

Until we meet again Steve, peace and love, and just for you and my dad...Go Hawks. 

I've been there

On this, Mother's Day 2020 I can't help but to think back on a few things, as a mom:

I've been there...
-as the woman who had couldn't get pregnant
-the mom who's baby died early in my pregnancy-that next Mother's Day was hell
-the mom who anxiously waiting for the safe arrival of my first born-32 years ago
-the mom who navigated through having a newborn, a baby with colic, the firsts of everything, and missed having my mom close by to share it all with
-the mom who anxiously prayed for a healthy second born
-the mom who loved dressing up, putting in hair bows and curling my daughters hair
-the mom who anxiously prayed for a healthy third born-and savored every moment of what I knew would be my last pregnancy
-the mom who would take an early lunch from work to go have a date before taking my preschooler to school
-the mom who frantically tried to hold it all together in a chaotic world with three kids within four years of one another-I would not change a thing
-the mom who had tears in her eyes at the first day of school, every year
-the mom who was happy to see the school year end and summer begin so I could spend time with my kids
-the mom who sat at many, many sporting events, dance recitals, band concerts, parent-teacher conferences and dozens of other events in my kiddos lives
-the mom who proudly attended graduations of all three
-the mom who helped move her kids, many times over-cleaning apartments, houses, packing and unpacking
-the mom who told her own mom it was okay to go to heaven, dad was waiting
-the mom who misses her own mom and still can hear her voice in her head and the laughter we shared
-the mom who has been blessed to witness three engagements and beautiful weddings
-the mom who has held her grandchildren for the first time
-the mom who is beyond blessed with being called mom

I've been there, and I wouldn't trade all the memories and moments for anything in the world.

Twenty years

Twenty years ago today I was making a very difficult trip. A trip home to be with my family and my dad as he was dying.And the drastic change I found when I got home was heart breaking. Dad was making his final journey in this world and in his life and in our lives.

This was the first time I was with someone as they were dying. It was heartbreaking and the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But 24 hours after arriving home and 10 minutes after telling my dad it was okay to go, he passed away peacefully with his family around him. It was a surreal moment in time and my life. I remember walking out of the nursing home after dad had passed and as it was a beautiful May 1st with the sun shining,  it was a beautiful day. And to my surprise the world kept going. The cars on the street kept going and people kept living their lives. And I was shocked, sad, surprised and angry. I wanted to tell everything and everyone to stop. My world, as I knew it, had just stopped, why hadn't it stopped for the rest of the world. It wasn't fair and it wasn't what I wanted.

I've missed my dad a million times in a million different ways since May 1, 2000. From his voice to the way he was handy to the way he and I could talk just about anything. In the little things, like roast beef and potatoes, or German chocolate cake to the beautiful wood items he made, the smell of Old Spice (or Old Swill as I always teased dad about), to fresh polished mens dress shoes or a clean car. It a brings back memories of dad. My heart is always a bit quiet and sad on November 1 and May 1 each year.

I see my dad in my oldest son, at times when I look at Ryan it almost takes my breath away and I quickly remember the photos of my dad when he was a young man. It is startling, makes me smile and makes my heart ache all at once. I see bits and pieces in all my kids and my siblings as well. From mannorisms to expressions, hobbies, interests and how handy or quick to figure things out. It makes me happy and brings me peace to know a small part of my dad lives on.

And as our family has grown I have no doubt dad is smiling with pride on his two little grand daughters that have joined my family. They are my pride and joy, and I'm sure they are his too, along with all his other grand and great grand children. 

So as the 20 year milestone approaches tomorrow, I want to say I still miss and love my dad as much today as the day he passed away. He was my hero, he set standards for me, taught me so much and brought me so much love and happiness. I was truly blessed with the best when God gave me him as my dad.

I miss and love you everyday dad.

Be careful what you wish for

A pandemic-that's what we are living through right now. And while it is a terrible thing the self isolation is not such a bad thing-at least I don't think so. I don't miss some things  and aspects of my life before all of this, while missing other things and people something terrible.

I miss my daily routine, going to a job, seeing people that I care about and having a purpose and reason to my day. The routine helps keep my migraines a bit in check, but I do have coworkers who are the human form of a headache for me, and I do not miss that or them in that aspect.

I do enjoy the alone time and the endless list of things I can do, choose to do and I find my short daily goals don't always get done, and that is okay, usually other things pop up and are accoplished. They are usually sidetracked by other things that make me feel accomplished and a sense of satisfaction.

This quarantine time has helped me get back to being creative, organized and less-as in getting rid of stuff and things that I don't need, like or want. Lighten the load, so to speak.

This time has allowed me to have more "me time". To try new things, and learn-self taught is fun thanks to youtube. To workout and sweat at my leisure, not hurried and rushed because I need to get ready for work or get home to make supper. Healthy me time!

My creative drive and hunger is back, from home decor to sewing to organizing and a host of other things, I feel a lot more at peace, a lot more me, a lot more in tune with me and my world.

This time apart has been a blessing. I don't have to listen to or hide from the negative. I can choose to deal with or listen or address those kind of people, if I want to. I'm no longer a good listening friend or someone to vent and bitch to-I don't have to if I don't want to. I can pretend to have not read the messages, texts, emails or phone calls. Sorry I'm too busy!

I'm also learning to be like people-I don't rush to answer emails or texts. I'm learning to not even reply or answer texts, messages or emails from some people. I'm done being "that person" for some people. I need to care less about those who care less about me. D. O. N. E. I'm treating you like you treat me-live and learn, I don't care if you don't.

Self isolation has given me the chance to clean and pay attention to details that I normally would not have noticed. This in turn gives me a sense of accomplishment, like a clean and fresh look to a ceiling fan! It's small, but it makes me feel good.

No I haven't been motivated enough to finish a book. But I have finished cleaning out some things, pitching stuff that is long over due and cleaning out aspects of my life and world that I normally would not have noticed or taken the time to do.

Before all of this I was wishing time away. Time when this or that was over and done. Wishing to be rid of coworkers or students who are a pain in my butt. And when then is all over some of those pain in my butt people will be gone-moved on and things will be different. Change is good, this is just not how we saw or planned on things happening, but it's all part of a big plan. A plan we are not in charge of or have control over. It is what it is.

So while I pray and keep social distancing each day and worry about my loved ones-hoping they don't get Covid-19, and miss my family that I haven't and can't see I find I am finding me again. I have had moments of peace and calm. I'm making the most of this time and seeing the world a bit clearer than before.

Somedays are more of a struggle than others

We all have those days, or parts of our days that are just challenging, a struggle or just plain difficult. And how you deal with those days, moments all depend on you. I'm 99% sure it also depends on a lot of variable from stress levels, to how you are feeling, what is going on emotionally and if you've gotten enough sleep!

Some people let a small moment ruin their whole day. I do this some times or I brood over it. I've been working on trying to let things go, some days I am successful in this, other days not so much. And often I often walk away. And if you want to argue that 1+1=5 have at it. It's not important. It's not important to me. Life is too short to waste it on small trivial things that are not important. Some people insist on always being right. I'm wrong more often than not. I'm very far from perfect. But you know what, in the end it doesn't matter, I tried.

I worked chain gang for a JH game last night, doing the down marker. You have to flip the paddle from 1-4 depending on what down it is and you follow and stay with the ball. I did a pretty good job for the first game of the year. But at one point my down marker got turned around so instead of it being 1st down I had it at 3rd down. I think it was the only time I messed up during the game. Not bad for the first time this year. I tried. I volunteered and it was hot and humid and kind of miserable weather conditions. But today I had a couple of JH football players tell me I messed up that one time. One time. Yep I did. I had the wrong down. At a JH football game. It had no decision in the game. Our team lost-it was their first game and I guess not one of those football players made a mistake. I'm not perfect. I complimented the guys on their game. I asked one how it felt to run the ball in for a touchdown. And you know what they said to me-that I had screwed up....wow. I really want to volunteer to do that again-NOT. Does it bother me-eh not really, what bothers me is the fact that these jerks think they are perfect and were quick to point out that I my mistake. I didn't say "hey way to drop or fumble the ball," or "wow you really got beat bad".

I beat myself up for my mistake last night after the game. Then I had a talk with myself about how it was just a JH football game. There was not a long list of volunteers to do the chain gang. In fact I was the only one to volunteer for quite a while. But really. I was trying to build JH boys confidence. Make them feel good about the positives of the game rather than the negatives and the fact that they lost. It's just a junior high game. Just. A. Junior. High. Game. Not life. I doubt I'll be judged at the end of my life for my mistake with the down marker at that JH game. I volunteered. I showed up. I did the best I could. But I'm not sure I'll be back...there are other places that need volunteers that making a mistake isn't such a big deal. What opened my eyes was my attempts to make them feel good about the good things that happened, not their mistakes and what they said to me about that ONE time. We'll see what the future holds. Volunteers are getting harder and harder to find.

Life is like that. Some times we let one incident define us. Some times one thing is the straw that brakes the camels back. Why am I bothering to volunteer do this? Who wants to set themselves up for that when I could be at home in the AC doing something a lot more fun....somedays are more of struggle. And maybe it's time to move on.

May your struggles today be small and insignificant in the whole picture of life.

Keep fighting the fight

Last night was the ninth Cancer Out/Coaches vs Cancer event that I was part of or headed. It was not the caliber of what I've done in the past but the motivation, and meaning and intentions was there.

I've gotten burnt out over the past couple of years. Kids who I work with, high school age, have gotten busier and/or lazier. It's a lot of fun, for a good cause, but it's a lot of work with very little help.

So after last year, sharing the event with another school group and having even more kids able to help but not getting the help from students I decided I was done. No more. I'd donate to Relay for Life and call it good.

My dance team girls, along with my relay for life rep kept asking if we were going to do another events. My girls saying they'd help and my rep being the supportive person she always is offering new ideas, trying to give me a renewed energy and fresh approach. No! I've had enough.

But in early December I found the thought of not doing an event weighing heavy on my mind. I found a little voice telling me "you need to do this" stronger than the thoughts of I've had enough, no more,  and I'm tired of doing most of the work. So I agreed to doing another round.

A week or two later the news of another close family member being diagnosed with cancer was a punch in the gut. THAT was the reason, the voice telling me to keep going, keep fighting.

Last night was our Cancer Out event. And as in past years it was a lot of work. I didn't let the stress of what needed to be done or what wasn't like past years bother me. And by the end of the night I knew I had done the best I could with the time, weather and working with a bunch of high school girls. It was a success, regardless of how much money was collected and raised. Every penny counts and it all is for one goal, working towards a day when no one will every have to hear the words "you have cancer" will ever be heard again.

So I'll keep fighting the fight.