Twenty years

Twenty years ago today I was making a very difficult trip. A trip home to be with my family and my dad as he was dying.And the drastic change I found when I got home was heart breaking. Dad was making his final journey in this world and in his life and in our lives.

This was the first time I was with someone as they were dying. It was heartbreaking and the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But 24 hours after arriving home and 10 minutes after telling my dad it was okay to go, he passed away peacefully with his family around him. It was a surreal moment in time and my life. I remember walking out of the nursing home after dad had passed and as it was a beautiful May 1st with the sun shining,  it was a beautiful day. And to my surprise the world kept going. The cars on the street kept going and people kept living their lives. And I was shocked, sad, surprised and angry. I wanted to tell everything and everyone to stop. My world, as I knew it, had just stopped, why hadn't it stopped for the rest of the world. It wasn't fair and it wasn't what I wanted.

I've missed my dad a million times in a million different ways since May 1, 2000. From his voice to the way he was handy to the way he and I could talk just about anything. In the little things, like roast beef and potatoes, or German chocolate cake to the beautiful wood items he made, the smell of Old Spice (or Old Swill as I always teased dad about), to fresh polished mens dress shoes or a clean car. It a brings back memories of dad. My heart is always a bit quiet and sad on November 1 and May 1 each year.

I see my dad in my oldest son, at times when I look at Ryan it almost takes my breath away and I quickly remember the photos of my dad when he was a young man. It is startling, makes me smile and makes my heart ache all at once. I see bits and pieces in all my kids and my siblings as well. From mannorisms to expressions, hobbies, interests and how handy or quick to figure things out. It makes me happy and brings me peace to know a small part of my dad lives on.

And as our family has grown I have no doubt dad is smiling with pride on his two little grand daughters that have joined my family. They are my pride and joy, and I'm sure they are his too, along with all his other grand and great grand children. 

So as the 20 year milestone approaches tomorrow, I want to say I still miss and love my dad as much today as the day he passed away. He was my hero, he set standards for me, taught me so much and brought me so much love and happiness. I was truly blessed with the best when God gave me him as my dad.

I miss and love you everyday dad.