I hate being sick

I was a premie, arriving 4-5 weeks early. And since that time I've always battled whatever is going around. And to be honest I was never terribly healthy until being pregnant with my oldest son. My body finally settled down and acted fairly normal compared to everyone else. I hated being sick as a kid, I still do-I try to act like I'm not and ignore it. When I got a cold or the flu as a kid, I got it good. There was never a mild version as far as my health was concerned.

So when my "smokers voice" started two weeks ago I knew what was coming. But I waged a battle prepared for what was to come next. And I did. I fought it hard. I've drank gallons of water. I've blown my nose so many times I feel like there should have been a counter on the tissue box. I drank tea. I took doses of local honey. I tried whiskey. And I drank more water. I tried, I really, really did. But on Tuesday the exhausting coughing turned into plugged and achy ears. I hate earaches. I had them as a kid and they hurt. It's hard to hear. It makes your head feel out of sync and it throws your sense of balance off. All of which I had. So I put up the white flag on Wednesday and called my doctor. And I could not get in to see her until today, Friday. I made a promise to myself that if I felt better Friday morning I was not going to keep my appointment. Thursday morning was the best I'd felt in over two weeks. Yay!!! I'd beaten the crud. Thursday afternoon I felt myself slipping. The ears ached, I was tired and just wanted to crawl in bed. But I kept going.

So today I swallowed my pride and went to the doctor with what I was 99.99999% sure was sinus infection. And I was right. I spent more time driving and waiting to see the doctor than I actually saw her but she confirmed my self diagnosis. A quick trip across the hallway to pick up my antibiotics at the pharmacy, and I was on my way back home. (I made a Starbucks stop because....well, just because). I've gotten one dose of antibiotics in and will get the second one in before the day is over. My weekend plans are to get over this junk and get back on track with eating and exercising and things smelling and tasting like they should. My sense of taste and smell has been out of whack since this all started.

So as the flu, influenza, strep throat, sinus infection season rages on I'm going to say I tried and I put up a good battle but I got help! I can admit when I've been defeated, I tried!

Stay healthy. Drink plenty of water and wash your hands. And a final thought-I'd like to find the little bugger that gave me this junk but the damage is done, I hope I didn't pass it along to anyone. And if I did, I hope it was someone I don't like!
Stay healthy.

Five minutes a day

So I noticed a couple of weeks ago someone on social media had posted picture and an explanation for their photo and the fact that they were starting this journal project.

The individual who posted the photo is someone who is starting a new chapter in their life and looking to make some changes in their way of thinking.

Her post clicked with me and I jumped on amazon, found one and order it without even really thinking. My Five Minute Journal arrived and the first part of the book is instructions and guidelines of how to use the journal. There are no rules just guidelines and suggestions. Well I took a little time to get in the right frame of mind and I started the journal. I downloaded an app to my phone to help me set goals and a purpose for this journaling thing.

I've been doing this journal for over two weeks. You are supposed to set a routine to journal every morning and evening, no matter what-make it a habit. My own routine is to get my coffee and then sitting down to think and journal in the mornings. And in the evenings. after I brush my teeth at bedtime, I journal again. I'm trying to make this a habit. And honestly I'm doing okay with it. No I didn't let myself have the "reward" I set for myself in the first week because I forgot to journal one night-I don't remember why, other than I just didn't. Accountability, I'm trying here.

The purpose of this Five Minute Journal is to make you think, look at and try to do better, along with creating a more positive mindset. It's purpose is to focus on the good in your life. And we all know in this world we need  a lot more positive and happy. There is far too much negative.

This journal has made me look at what I have and appreciate, to look for positives in the day, let the negatives go and make a daily affirmation each morning. 

The end of the day journaling asks to list three amazing things that happened and how you could have made the day better. 

Yes some days so far I feel like a dorky kid in what I write-I'm hard on myself a lot. I sometimes struggle with what to write, but usually I look around and realize the little things that we all take for granted and get inspired. 

I can't tell you how many times since I've started this journal this quote has ran through my mind. And I can honestly say I am noticing that I'm starting to see the glass half full more than half empty or better yet that the glass can be refilled. I am guilty of letting those around me bring me down. Walking away from negative people and situations has helped my own peace of mind a great deal. We all need a break from each other every so often, that's okay. 

This journaling thing has me thinking and looking and I think changing my mindset for the better. I'm trying is all I can say. I could go on for quite a while with a deluge of happiness quotes....but always remember, 

And to put it in perspective, I have no problem taking 5 minutes out of the 1,440 minutes of every day to spend on being happier and looking for the good, being a better version of me. Do more of what makes YOU happy

It's not the item, it's the memory

We all have items that remind us of a memory or person. These items can bring us good, bad, happy or sad memories when we see them. They can be treasures or a piece of comfort.

I have a light blue and white Christmas top of my mom's that I've kept for the past six Christmas's. I find it a source of comfort, especially this time of year, when I am missing my mom- the Christmas memories of her wearing it and it makes me feel like she is close.  That top also still smells of my mom's perfume...Windsong. She started wearing it when I was in high school and I wore it too for a while. Smells bring back memories too.

I have a melancholy feeling towards Christmas this year. It is kind of over with already. We had a mini-Christmas back in November when everyone was home. The house is some what decorated but nothing like what I used to do. And I've been going through containers of Christmas decorations and sorting. Stuff to keep. Stuff for my kids to go through and take if they want. And stuff to just get rid of. It's time to clean out and down size. My kids can all take take their own Christmas ornaments that they made as kids in school and religious ed. Yes I will miss having those decorations on my tree but they all have their own lives, homes and trees now, they can hang, keep or toss these heirlooms if they want. What I would give to have an ornament that I made from my childhood or something from my mom or dad when they were children.

Tonight as I was hanging my dad's Iowa Hawkeye ornament on the tree it fell....and broke. My heart broke too, and the tears fell. I felt like I'd lost a piece of my dad. It's been 18 Christmas's without him. This was my Christmas connection to him, and now it sits in a dustpan, waiting to be thrown away in several pieces. I'm sad. It was purely an accident and it may have been better if it had been broken by someone else other than me-it would be easier to forgive. But nothing can be done to change it. I looked on ebay to find a replacement, but one like this wasn't available. It's gone.

I keep telling myself that it was just an ornament. It was just a reminder, memory and connection to my dad. I still have all my memories and nothing can shatter or break them. And life goes on. Tomorrow is a new day. I still have all my memories of my dad and they are mine, nothing can take that away from me.

I will continue to be a bit sad for the broken ornament. And if I ever find another one just like it I may or may not replace it but I'll keep the memories of my dad and his love of the Iowa Hawkeyes close to my heart.

Dec. 6, St. Nick's day

Yes, St. Nicholas day has rolled around again. And I just read my blog from last year. The basis for my tradition that I've done with my kids over the years and my memories and hopes for what this day represents for them.

Okay, truth time. I've battle with the issue of  if I should or should not continue the St. Nick's day tradition. I asked my daughter, who was no help, if I should continue it or if everyone had out grown and tired of  this? I've been back and forth with if I should keep doing this or just stop. And last week I decided to keep the tradition going. The problem is St. Nick doesn't have his act together this year! He's working on it but just didn't get it all pulled together. And all day long I've tried to figure out a way to let my kids and their spouses know that St. Nick was still around, just a little behind. Well here it is!

But I had a first tonight, St. Nick left me a gift. I've never been on the receiving end of St. Nicholas day. As I stated in my blog last year the St. Nick tradition came from the memories my mom shared of her childhood and how St. Nick would come to her house leaving small gift in their shoes or socks. This is where I got the idea and started the tradition in my house for my kids.

But tonight a phone call from my son Ranen who instructed me that he and his wife had left something in his closet....three gifts-from St. Nick!! This is the highlight of my week, I have no doubt. St. Nick left a candle that smells wonderful. A large deck of cards for someone else who lives under the same roof and the world's softest Peanuts blanket! Snoopy, Charlie Brown and the whole gang are wrapped around me as I type this. From the bottom of my heart-THANK YOU. This is the first St, Nick gifts I've ever gotten and I must say that Whitney and Ranen, I mean St. Nick, did a wonderful job and this is one of the biggest surprises I've had a in a long, long time. It has touched my heart.

So in the season of giving and the spirit of what St. Nicholas day is all about, I wish anyone reading this the blessings of the season and my you find the true spirit of what this time of year is all about in your heart.

Saving it for company

My parents grew up in the depression era and were savers. As I've learned over the years the saving my parents did was due to hard times during the depression that they went through. So I grew up with saving things for "good" or when company came. My parents did a lot of entertaining, from holidays to birthdays,  card parties and a weekly visit with cousins as each others house, there was always entertaining going on.

My mom loved to entertain. She had several sets of good dishes, which ranged from her wedding china to at least two other sets of china and later in life Christmas dishes which was something my mom always wanted. Mom and dad got each of use kids the same set of Christmas dishes as gifts for the holidays. My mom always considered having made it when they could afford the holiday dishes.

So I am reminded of my mom weekly, if not daily around my own home. I have several of her saved for company bathroom towels that I now use daily or weekly. They are pretty, but now being put to good use and are a happy reminder of my mom and growing up. Mom would never burn candles except for on those special occasions when they entertained. I vividly remember a holiday, I'm not sure which one, that I lit a set of good candles and for a brief moment my mom was a bit taken aback but smiled and made a comment along the lines that we just as well use them-a rare occasion (I was such a rebel!). My mom would put out towels on the towel racks that were only for show and never used (until they ended up in my house). And there were the towels that were only used by company. The towels we used were sometimes very ragged, towels that were wearing thin, but they still did the job, we didn't care or notice-we just used it until it wore out and had served it's purpose. I don't have company towels at my house, we use all the towels in the closet or on the self.

I have an every day set of dishes that are used every day. And I have a set of china that has hardly been used over the last 10+ years. They were a must on the insistence of my mother in-law when I got married and I received china pieces for many birthday and Christmas presents after my wedding day. Those dishes are nice, I like them. But they are too much work to use. No one really notices what you eat off of as long as it is clean and we've taken to using disposal dishes and flatware since my mother in-law has passed away. Life is too short to spend so much time doing dishes and worrying about breaking something. And someday they will be passed on to who ever wants them hardly used.

So today as I put out a new hand towel in my bathroom I was again reminded of my mom. It was one of her company towels I hung up, it gets used weekly now. I remember how proud she was of how nice her house looked when my parents entertained. But as I am now using her towels I'm reminded that every day is special and using the good towels, burning the candles or maybe breaking out the good china is okay to do any day of the week for absolutely no reason. Why save it for someone else to use? Times have changed and today we live in a disposable world where if people get tired of something they get rid of it regardless if it is still usable and in good condition.

If you come to my house to visit you won't get "good" towels, you'll get the towels that we use everyday. The candles have been burned and all I can guarantee is whatever you are eating off of is it will be clean regardless if it is china, everyday dishes or paper plates, it just has to serve the purpose! I don't want someone else using what I saved. Life is meant to be lived and used up. Use up what you've been given and make the most of it.

My last Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was last Thursday and it was great. Family and friends and food and being together. I loved having us all together. Having everyone home is the best. But here's my statement and I mean this from the bottom of my heart-it was my last Thanksgiving. Let me explain, I am done hosting and cooking and cleaning and preparing weeks and days ahead of time only to be exhausted and not enjoy the time leading up to,  much less the event of Thanksgiving.

Hosting a family event is no small undertaking. And personally I have always used holidays as a goal to get things done at my house. No matter how big or small those "get things done" items are, it gives me something to work for besides having my family home.

But working late at night, getting up early, and starting to work as soon as I walk in the door from my out of house job is exhausting and stressful and doing it alone sucks, big time it sucks.

I've thought and toyed with this concept for the past couple of years. But this year as I worked late or got up early to get things done and was frustrated and upset because of lack of help I found myself angry because I was not enjoying this time leading up and was mentally and physically exhausted during and after the holiday. This is NOT what this is all about. This is not fun. And finally THIS IS NOT HOW THIS SHOULD BE. I love thanksgiving, I mean love it. It is one of my favorite holidays because it involves food, being together and hanging out. There are not gifts or easter baskets or any other expectations gift giving-wise. You can wear elastic waistband pants because the whole purpose of the day is to eat, be together and eat. Go for a walk and eat. Hang out, talk and eat. It is not frowned upon to share a beer with your daughter in-law at 10 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. It's being together. Family.

Don't get me wrong, I've had great help over the years with people bringing food. The occasional forgotten relish tray by a family member or the holding Thanksgiving dinner while waiting for relatives to arrive from another family thanksgiving three doors away was a bit frustrating but everyone has pitched in to help with the food portion of the holiday over the years. We've shared some good food over the years.

This year, 2017, has been a year of cleaning out and getting rid of for me. From getting rid of stuff I no longer want, need or use to removing people who are nothing but toxic in my life. Having three weddings in five months, my sister diagnosed with cancer and go through treatment and having a sister in-law pass away has been a sort of wake up call for me in  an 18 month time span. Life is too short. If other people don't care then they are no longer my problem or concern. No more one sided. So after 20+ years of thanksgiving dinners at my house this year was the last. I'm not saying I won't ever host again, but I'm handing over the baton or turkey leg or turkey baster to someone else, whoever wants it. And after I finally said that out loud last Friday to another human, I felt a sense of relief. Traditions are wonderful, I love traditions. But working to exhaustion is not wonderful nor fun or enjoyable. How some people can be blind and oblivious to what is going on around them is beyond me. I can't change things and I only take care of me and my little world to the best of my abilities. I'll change what I can and walk away when I can't.

I am not alone in this thinking of women who are tired and exhausted preparing for an upcoming holiday. I had several coworkers last week talk about being stressed or upset as they got ready for Thanksgiving and then there was the one coworker who told me she sat in her bathtub and cried because she has so much to do and had no help.

I got a case of the guilts the other night when I did a majority of my Christmas shopping online and it will all be delivered in the next week or so. I'm  for the most part done Christmas shopping. Gone are the days of buying gifts for two other adults in a family Christmas name drawing plus the three nieces or nephews names my own kids got in the name drawing, then wrapping those gifts, then trek to the post office to mail those gifts in time for the holiday. Also gone is the gift buying for parents and in-law parents (sadly, and only one parent left).  AND....the santa gifts to buy and wrap, I used to Christmas shop for 12-14 other people every year-ALONE, no help. And there was/is the food to make to take or prepare at my house and the clothes for family Christmas or church, oh and lets not forget the packing and traveling that was once part of our family holiday schedule. Those days are gone.

Holidays are about being together and I've been trying to get back to that. I've been the wet blanked with one of my families pushing for change...not more name drawing for gift giving. Setting a dollar amount and making it simple after my sister  in-law made her feelings known, in a polite way, about my gift card giving that I gave because I didn't have time to go shopping for items and it is much cheaper to mail a gift card to California or Maryland than a box of wrapped stuff. Spending time with family and doing stuff together is a lot more fun. Sitting out games because there is stuff to be done or because I'm too tired to play is not fun.

So I hereby officially resign my duties of Thanksgiving. I will help clean and prepare any food but I've just hosted my last Thanksgiving.

Missing my dad

I was a daddy's girl, I will admit it. We were a lot alike. We were both fiercely stubborn but more times than not thought a great deal alike. He and I would hang out on the back steps or watching tv. Because I was a skinny little kid I could fit next to my dad in his big chair. We'd watch tv, eat popcorn and enjoy life.

My dad's birthday was Nov. 1 and many years since his death I'd make his traditional favorite meal, roast, potatoes and sometimes I'd made a German chocolate cake-all his favorites. My dad would have been 98-years old this year.

I went through some good and bad times with my dad. He taught me how to be fiercely independent. He taught me how to do things on my own, for myself. But he also had his old school ways of thinking like I should make my brother's bed-no way, nor how was that going to happen, nor did it ever happen. Yes, dad and I butted heads at times regarding life.

I unfortunately inherited migraine headaches and dad was the one who picked me up from school the first time I got a migraine. He said he knew immediately what was wrong with me when he picked me up and I tried to put my foot in the vomit bucket instead of my shoe because I could not see! He was the one who insisted taking me to the ER on two occasions when those migraines got so bad I could not function or handle the pain and was asking if I was going to die. Heredity is not always a good thing.

I was in junior high when my dad sunk into a deep depression and ended up in the hospital. The ugly world of depression would rear it's ugly head in my life for my dad on several occasions throughout my teen years. I learned to to run a house and farm along with my brother due to dad's depression. After going to school all day I would come home and put on my farmers daughter hat then help with planting or harvesting, whatever the season it was. And the livestock chores would become part of my life, morning and night. I was helping my brother play catch up along with my mom when she didn't go up to the hospital to be with my dad. It was a tough time and made my brother and I grow up very quickly taking on adult roles and responsibilities. But I never thought of not doing the work or not stepping up to help. I never blamed my dad while doing my homework sitting in the cab of a tractor or doing hog chores at 11 p.m. at night, it's just what we did.

My dad was the handiest guy I knew. I could share an idea or vision and he usually could make it a reality. Times got better for dad after I left for college. The depression seemed to ebb and life and my dad returned to a new normal.

My dad battled Parkinson's disease in his later year, and it would lead to his death. It breaks my heart yet whenever I see someone with the shakes from this disease. It is a nasty disease that I hope a cure is someday found.

But every year as November 1 rolls around my heart remembers and is sad and I miss my dad a little bit more along with all the other days of the year that I miss him. He loved his birthday. It was a holy day he always pointed out! And he loved sharing the story of how he would have been a halloween baby if the doctor would have gotten to the house sooner but the doctor way delayed due to halloween shenanigans-outhouses turned over in the road that he had to move to get his horse and buggy through on his way to the house! My how times have changed!

So once again my heart aches a little bit more on dad's special day, and I'll wear red, my dad's favorite color on Nov. 1 and will make his favorite meal sometime soon to celebrate. It makes my heart happy to see my dad in my kids in so many ways. And I know I was loved by my dad and I loved him right back. Happy birthday Dad, I love and miss you.