Twenty years ago today I was making a very difficult trip. A trip home to be with my family and my dad as he was dying.And the drastic change I found when I got home was heart breaking. Dad was making his final journey in this world and in his life and in our lives.
This was the first time I was with someone as they were dying. It was heartbreaking and the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But 24 hours after arriving home and 10 minutes after telling my dad it was okay to go, he passed away peacefully with his family around him. It was a surreal moment in time and my life. I remember walking out of the nursing home after dad had passed and as it was a beautiful May 1st with the sun shining, it was a beautiful day. And to my surprise the world kept going. The cars on the street kept going and people kept living their lives. And I was shocked, sad, surprised and angry. I wanted to tell everything and everyone to stop. My world, as I knew it, had just stopped, why hadn't it stopped for the rest of the world. It wasn't fair and it wasn't what I wanted.
I've missed my dad a million times in a million different ways since May 1, 2000. From his voice to the way he was handy to the way he and I could talk just about anything. In the little things, like roast beef and potatoes, or German chocolate cake to the beautiful wood items he made, the smell of Old Spice (or Old Swill as I always teased dad about), to fresh polished mens dress shoes or a clean car. It a brings back memories of dad. My heart is always a bit quiet and sad on November 1 and May 1 each year.
I see my dad in my oldest son, at times when I look at Ryan it almost takes my breath away and I quickly remember the photos of my dad when he was a young man. It is startling, makes me smile and makes my heart ache all at once. I see bits and pieces in all my kids and my siblings as well. From mannorisms to expressions, hobbies, interests and how handy or quick to figure things out. It makes me happy and brings me peace to know a small part of my dad lives on.
And as our family has grown I have no doubt dad is smiling with pride on his two little grand daughters that have joined my family. They are my pride and joy, and I'm sure they are his too, along with all his other grand and great grand children.
So as the 20 year milestone approaches tomorrow, I want to say I still miss and love my dad as much today as the day he passed away. He was my hero, he set standards for me, taught me so much and brought me so much love and happiness. I was truly blessed with the best when God gave me him as my dad.
I miss and love you everyday dad.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Be careful what you wish for
A pandemic-that's what we are living through right now. And while it is a terrible thing the self isolation is not such a bad thing-at least I don't think so. I don't miss some things and aspects of my life before all of this, while missing other things and people something terrible.
I miss my daily routine, going to a job, seeing people that I care about and having a purpose and reason to my day. The routine helps keep my migraines a bit in check, but I do have coworkers who are the human form of a headache for me, and I do not miss that or them in that aspect.
I do enjoy the alone time and the endless list of things I can do, choose to do and I find my short daily goals don't always get done, and that is okay, usually other things pop up and are accoplished. They are usually sidetracked by other things that make me feel accomplished and a sense of satisfaction.
This quarantine time has helped me get back to being creative, organized and less-as in getting rid of stuff and things that I don't need, like or want. Lighten the load, so to speak.
This time has allowed me to have more "me time". To try new things, and learn-self taught is fun thanks to youtube. To workout and sweat at my leisure, not hurried and rushed because I need to get ready for work or get home to make supper. Healthy me time!
My creative drive and hunger is back, from home decor to sewing to organizing and a host of other things, I feel a lot more at peace, a lot more me, a lot more in tune with me and my world.
This time apart has been a blessing. I don't have to listen to or hide from the negative. I can choose to deal with or listen or address those kind of people, if I want to. I'm no longer a good listening friend or someone to vent and bitch to-I don't have to if I don't want to. I can pretend to have not read the messages, texts, emails or phone calls. Sorry I'm too busy!
I'm also learning to be like people-I don't rush to answer emails or texts. I'm learning to not even reply or answer texts, messages or emails from some people. I'm done being "that person" for some people. I need to care less about those who care less about me. D. O. N. E. I'm treating you like you treat me-live and learn, I don't care if you don't.
Self isolation has given me the chance to clean and pay attention to details that I normally would not have noticed. This in turn gives me a sense of accomplishment, like a clean and fresh look to a ceiling fan! It's small, but it makes me feel good.
No I haven't been motivated enough to finish a book. But I have finished cleaning out some things, pitching stuff that is long over due and cleaning out aspects of my life and world that I normally would not have noticed or taken the time to do.
Before all of this I was wishing time away. Time when this or that was over and done. Wishing to be rid of coworkers or students who are a pain in my butt. And when then is all over some of those pain in my butt people will be gone-moved on and things will be different. Change is good, this is just not how we saw or planned on things happening, but it's all part of a big plan. A plan we are not in charge of or have control over. It is what it is.
So while I pray and keep social distancing each day and worry about my loved ones-hoping they don't get Covid-19, and miss my family that I haven't and can't see I find I am finding me again. I have had moments of peace and calm. I'm making the most of this time and seeing the world a bit clearer than before.
I miss my daily routine, going to a job, seeing people that I care about and having a purpose and reason to my day. The routine helps keep my migraines a bit in check, but I do have coworkers who are the human form of a headache for me, and I do not miss that or them in that aspect.
I do enjoy the alone time and the endless list of things I can do, choose to do and I find my short daily goals don't always get done, and that is okay, usually other things pop up and are accoplished. They are usually sidetracked by other things that make me feel accomplished and a sense of satisfaction.
This quarantine time has helped me get back to being creative, organized and less-as in getting rid of stuff and things that I don't need, like or want. Lighten the load, so to speak.
This time has allowed me to have more "me time". To try new things, and learn-self taught is fun thanks to youtube. To workout and sweat at my leisure, not hurried and rushed because I need to get ready for work or get home to make supper. Healthy me time!
My creative drive and hunger is back, from home decor to sewing to organizing and a host of other things, I feel a lot more at peace, a lot more me, a lot more in tune with me and my world.
This time apart has been a blessing. I don't have to listen to or hide from the negative. I can choose to deal with or listen or address those kind of people, if I want to. I'm no longer a good listening friend or someone to vent and bitch to-I don't have to if I don't want to. I can pretend to have not read the messages, texts, emails or phone calls. Sorry I'm too busy!
I'm also learning to be like people-I don't rush to answer emails or texts. I'm learning to not even reply or answer texts, messages or emails from some people. I'm done being "that person" for some people. I need to care less about those who care less about me. D. O. N. E. I'm treating you like you treat me-live and learn, I don't care if you don't.
Self isolation has given me the chance to clean and pay attention to details that I normally would not have noticed. This in turn gives me a sense of accomplishment, like a clean and fresh look to a ceiling fan! It's small, but it makes me feel good.
No I haven't been motivated enough to finish a book. But I have finished cleaning out some things, pitching stuff that is long over due and cleaning out aspects of my life and world that I normally would not have noticed or taken the time to do.
Before all of this I was wishing time away. Time when this or that was over and done. Wishing to be rid of coworkers or students who are a pain in my butt. And when then is all over some of those pain in my butt people will be gone-moved on and things will be different. Change is good, this is just not how we saw or planned on things happening, but it's all part of a big plan. A plan we are not in charge of or have control over. It is what it is.
So while I pray and keep social distancing each day and worry about my loved ones-hoping they don't get Covid-19, and miss my family that I haven't and can't see I find I am finding me again. I have had moments of peace and calm. I'm making the most of this time and seeing the world a bit clearer than before.
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