Always remember

This date always holds a special place in my heart...it was the birthday of the only woman I've ever known as grandma...Grandma Vennick. This was her birthday. All my grandparents had passed by the time I arrive on the scene. This is what happens when  you are the youngest of two youngest kids, you miss out on the grandparent thing usually. Grandma Vennick was one of the sweetest woman I've ever known and I'm not sure how she ended up with some of the most ornery kids but she did! We'd always celebrate her birthday on or around Oct. 20.

But this date also holds sad and happy memories for me as well. In 1986 I was pregnant for the first time. It was my first pregnancy but I knew things were not going as they should on this date. A trip to the hospital emergency room confirmed my worse fears, my baby had died. I got to see that tiny baby at 14 weeks old. He looked tiny and perfect and that vision is still as clear in my head today as it was 30 years ago when I held him. That baby would have turned 30 this next spring. And yes as a mother the thoughts of what would that person be like, who would they look like or where would they live, what would they be doing, often runs through my mind. It is an awful feeling to loose a child whether it is before they are born or after. It is something you never forget.

But a I said this date also holds happy memories for me because it was 29 years ago today I found out that I was pregnant again. One year after loosing that first baby. What are the chances that I would find this out on this same exact date? I just wanted to get through this day, but finding out I was pregnant was a host of emotions. Ryan, a  healthy baby boy was born the following June and was our rainbow baby:

 A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

Yes this was Ryan when he arrived around the same time my first baby was due. He was a blessing and reminder that life is fragile and not guaranteed. He was our hope.

My heart still misses Grandma Vennick, she was the best. And my heart is sad and misses that first baby, what would they be like? But there is happiness for this date which confirmed that there are rainbows after the storm. They are signs of hope and that things do get better.