Fresh new day!

Well it is back to school and work. The holidays, once again, flew by, which always seems to be the case.

It's a new mindset for me today. I'm trying to see the positive and walk away from the negative. I'm trying to adopt the I don't care perspective. I don't care who does what. Or who says what. Or what someone's opinion is. I. DO. NOT. CARE.

Life is too short. And if you don't like me or something, well that's not my care. I'm tried of the negative and the blah and the bad moods. I'm tired of being the dumping ground and supporter. Yes I will walk away, lite the match, throw it over my shoulder and burn that bridge. Big time. Bye, bye!

Somethings haven't changed....the coworker who wanted to share her Covid vaccine info with me that she got from her receptionist daughter in-law after I'd told her I'd read and chatted with a doctor and an RN who both had had the shot....thank you, I'm good. It only took me three times to thank her and tell her no. Three...

The coworker who is constantly out of his classroom and leaves students unattended ALL THE TIME-nothing had changed, he still does it. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I just pray no one gets hurt.

The coworker who constantly lets his classes go early, all the time. Not just a little bit but by several minutes. I'm doubting he will ever learn.

I've literally only talked to a handful of people and I've kept to myself. I ate lunch alone. I don't go roaming around the building or going out of my way to chat. I'm just doing my thing, getting my work done and moving on. I don't mind it, to be honest. I don't have negative garbage coming at me and if it starts I'm going to duck and dodge. I don't have to listen to people complain and bitch about stuff that usually is not their business. I'm doing my job. Minding my business and getting out. I have made very little polite conversation, how are you, how was your holiday, welcome to a new year kind of stuff, very generic and very vanilla! I like vanilla!

I'm done doing for others what they won't do for me. I'm caring a little less, I don't want to be sucked into other peoples drama and bs. I'm done volunteering to help or listen when I know the favor won't be returned. I'm taking care of me and making me my first priority. I don't care what other people think, I'm not here to make people happy, I'm here to make ME happy. 

After all it's a fresh new day, fresh new year, fresh new week. Doing what I'm supposed to do and move on. 

 

 

 

Quality vs Quantity

 We've all dealt with the quality vs quantity in a variety of aspects in our lives. The brand new five bedroom home vs the four bedroom 95-year old house that has been taken care of. The sporty two-seater sports car vs the SUV that can seat you and three friends! 

My quality vs quantity today comes in the form of family-mainly birth order, which by the way NO one has control over. Quality family time is more important than quantity. You can spend 24 hours together and make great memories the same as spending four days together and making memories. It is all in what you do with the time. How you spend it. What you do. The fun you have. 

The same goes for birth order. Let me explain, I was no doubt an oops baby. It happens and I always like to think and I know, I was planned, just as all babies, regardless of their birth order, by God.

I constantly take flack, ribbing and hear-every single time I am with them, the term "baby of the family' and spoiled. Yes I am. I have absolutely NO control over this. But here are a few thoughts about this and may be something we all need to think about. 

-the oldest or only-that child that makes you a parent. So exciting and fun to see the firsts and learn as your child learns. You make mistakes and you spoil as well. 

-the middle child-often the missed or forgotten child and the rebel. Don't know if this is true and any good parent would never let this happen, but life gets in the way at times. Why buy new when you've got perfectly good hand me down, and all of a sudden the middle child is the "forgotten" or "neglected". No they are not, they get the same stuff, just slightly used, but still just as good and given with the same amount of LOVE. 

-youngest-"spoiled" and the "baby" of the family. Not by choice. Yes some youngest kids are spoiled rotten, just as some "only" children are. I've got four only children nieces and nephews and they got more and had more than my three kids ever had. Why? I don't know. Does it make them "special" or "spoiled" I don't care. Parents do the best they can. It is what it is. I choose not to label. They have all grown up to be good people. 

But here is my take, because time after time, after time I hear the "youngest" or "baby" or "spoiled" terms used almost every time I have a conversation with my siblings...

I didn't get as much time with my parents as the older siblings did. I lost my dad when I was not quite 36 and my mom when I was still in my 40's. I know of people who bury parents when they are in their 60s and 70s. That's a lot of years they get to spend with their parents, making memories and learning from them. I was a young mom when my dad passed away-my kids don't have years and years of memories that my older nieces do, my oldest son was just 10 years old. My dad and I had a close bond. My spoiled time with my dad was sitting on the back step on beautiful summer evenings as dad would take off his work shoes and socks, empty the cuffs on his overalls and we'd watch the cats and kittens play. We'd talk and laugh and if that is being spoiled, then yes I was spoiled. I have those memories. But I know dad did this ritual of taking off his shoes every evening outside when the weather would permit for many, many years before I was born and long after I left home. 

My mom taught me a ton of life lessons, from how to bake to how to find the fun and laugh. My mom could make doing dishes or testing the moisture content of grain a fun experience....so many memories of life and growing up. 

I always got drug along when my parents would go "visiting" with no one to play with. I didn't have anyone to play with most of my childhood, except for my nieces. I would have to entertain myself....maybe this is why I got a pony that was shared with my brothers. Or why I got things that the older siblings didn't get, also besides the fact that my parents probably had more money than when they were new parents with the first three or four kids. Just a fact. Not my fault. 

The point that I want to make in all of this is my siblings got a lot more time with my parents, they got quantity and quality-or whatever they made of it. I got quality and not much quantity, and I chose to make memories and enjoy the time. 

None of us know how much time we have, be it with someone we love or our own lives but our birth order has nothing to do with anything. Was I spoiled-according to my siblings standards, yes, but I'm pretty sure I had nephews and nieces who had more "stuff" that I ever had or wanted. I didn't need stuff to measure my parents love for me, regardless of my place in our family birth order. I have memories and lots of them and if that makes me spoiled, then yes I'm spoiled. I got to travel to see my sister and other relatives,  just like my older siblings did. I got memories and fun from those experiences.

At my age the baby and spoiled term brought up over and over again is OLD. I treasure the times I have with my siblings who are 16, 14, 10 and 7 years older than me. There is no closeness in age to my brothers and sisters that they share. I'm the tag along. I've been forgotten-people thought I was a grand daughter at my own mom's funeral visitation. Or just plain didn't remember me at my dad's funeral visitation. Oh well, this does not make or break who I am. Yes I typically had the oldest parents in the crowd and I'd hear people say to my parents, 'wow, you've got one that young"! Yep, they did. It's just how things worked out. I remember cleaning like it was the end of the world when my older sisters would come home to visit, it was a big deal and a celebration. Mom would cook and be so happy to have them coming home-fun and exciting times at home. 

But here is one thing I do know, my parents were proud of all of us in our own unique ways. And I have no doubt they still are regardless of our "birth order".  So here is what I have to say, get over it. grown up, move on and treasure what you had with our parents. We all were very blessed with great parents and they loved us all the same, but in different ways, but non the less, all the same. I never felt favored or slighted. 

And remember it is quality vs quantity...and all in how you view it. 

When you eat something bad

I've had a sensitive stomach my whole life. My mom said I'd curl up in a ball, pulling my knees in, when ever I was fed bananas as a baby. I've been able to eat bananas very rarely throughout my whole life and there is a banana allergy, so it's not just me. But 99% of the time if I eat anything with banana in it I end up with a stomach ache that is not fun.

After having dinner at a friends house last night the host very shortly after the meal started having stomach issues. My stomach was about 10 minutes behind the host's with jumping on the bandwagon of pain. 

Within an hour I was dealing with a variety of stomach issues and pain, as was the host. The only common denominator was the meal. The third person who ate the meal felt fine.

After texting with the host this morning he thought his issue was a family related medical issue, I suggested some kind of food poisoning. Our symptoms are very similar and we both are at the same place this morning as far as how we are feeling. A quick check of the hosts homemade meal only showed the pasta was expired but google says pasta has a shelf life of 2-3 years after the expiration. And google knows everything!

What do we have, I'm not sure. But what I do know is after 12+ hours of this I'd like it to be over. While it's not awful, it is uncomfortable and interrupts life. Yes, it could be a lot worse. And yes, I'm going to try to eat something. But just like every other time in life when our health is not 110% we quickly appreciate the good when we have it and wish for it back when not feeling 110%.

This is life, and today I'm going to view it as a gentle reminder from God that felling good, and being healthy are a blessing we often take for granted. Yes, we all have aches and pains and discomforts, but I view those as a reminder to appreciate it when things don't hurt and the fact that I can still move and be active!

Two pieces of advice today: 

Check expiration dates when you are cooking! 

And appreciate what you have health-wise!

We all need to be loud every once in a while!

I had a cousin, Darla, and I'm not 100% sure how we were related, other than Darla's mom and my mom were related through their parents. Darla was the age of my second oldest sister, so 14-years my senior. To say that Darla was larger than life would be an understatement. I had not seen Darla in 40+ years and occasionally thought of her, wondering how she was.

You see Darla recently passed away. And another factor to this, not an important one but what made Darla who and how she was, was that she was mentally handicapped. Like how life is supposed to be, Darla outlived her parents, and I'm sure both her mom and dad worried about who would take care of her after their passing. Darla had an older sister and a brother who lived near her and they took care of her after her parents could no longer care for and then after they both passed.

But in all the details of Darla was one of her most notable traits, she made her presence known! Darla liked to stand out in a crowd. Plain and simple, Darla was LOUD!!

I was a skinny, little kid and Darla scared me. She was my first up close encounter with a mentally handicapped person. She had a heart of gold and knew what she liked!. But she always gravitated to me. I don't know if it was my size, or my red hair, but she LIKED me! And in short, as a kid, Darla scared me. She was extremely strong. She would grab my hand and squeeze-hard. She would sit right beside me and wanted to be my friend. As a shy child this was so uncomfortable for me. Unfortunately with Darla as my first encounter with a special needs person this has made me uncomfortable for life. I tried to be cordial and kind with Darla, but if anything it just made her get even closer and more in my space.

My mom explained AFTER my first encounter with Darla that she had had some kind off illness as a small child and ran an extremely high temp causing brain damage. Mom also explained that while her age was 14 years my senior, he mental capacity was some where around the age of a kindergarten through second grader-that I could understand as I think I was maybe a fourth grader when I met Darla.

I know Darla was a worry for her parents and family. She was a trusting soul and friendly to everyone. Darla never met a stranger and she liked to be heard. Have I mentioned she was loud?!

So while Darla lived out her years in schools, facilities and homes equipped with taking care of her, I know she also brought so much sunshine and life to her family.

As a parent I could not imagine what her parents went through, but they always included Darla and brought her along. I don't know squat about how to raise or deal with special needs children, but if Darla's parents were anything they were the epitome of how to raise such a child.

And I'm sure upon entering heaven Darla found her parents immediately and all of heaven heard and knew she had arrived. But most of all I'm sure it was a reunion of such happiness for all three of them, which makes my heart smile.

While I'm sure I was not the kind of friend or playmate that Darla wanted or hoped I'd be, besides her strength and volume what I remember of Darla was how happy she was. Maybe something I need to remember a little each day. To keep a little bit of the simple happiness and sunshine to life, and maybe be loud every once in a while.

Never enough

There are two different types of people in the world...

Those who view the same things in life two different ways-

There are never enough hours in the day.

Never enough time.

Never enough of one thing or another. 

It's good with the bad. 

When my kids are all home it seems like there is never enough time. And time flies by. 

When Monday mornings roll around it seems like there is never enough weekend and where did Saturday and Sunday go?

And there is a fine line between never enough and NEVER enough.

We all know someone who views everything in life that it is NEVER enough. Never enough rain, never enough one thing or another, it's never good enough or some kind of enough...negative, negative, negative. Life is never good enough. Nothing is ever good enough.

I'm married to a NEVER enough person. An inch of rain is never enough or too much-who cares, it's rain. It's never just plain nice to have rain. What ever we have it is never good enough or some kind enough from our house to vehicles to this that and the next thing...it's sad and must be really frustrating to view the world like this. Every day things are never good enough. It's not sunny enough or too hot or too sunny or something or another. I've tried really, really hard not to "drink the Kool-Aid" over the years and I know I have on occasion.  I've especially learned not to listen or tune it out. But I will admit that it is disheartening and depressing to always hear it's never whatever. 

I try to view life as never enough from the perspective of how lucky and blessed I am. As a mom  it is never enough time with my kids or grandkids. It is never enough to have beautiful falls days. Or to not waste my time worrying about weather unless it is severe or I have a loved one traveling in the snow, then it's enough! 

It is never enough to almost reach my daily intake of water, but I'm not perfect, I forget and I'll try to do better tomorrow. 

I had a mom who was a great cook but living on a farm five miles outside of town we didn't just run to town to get ingredients for a recipe,  my mom must have planned a lot, or was just that good at cooking on the fly! And she would often make substitutions in a recipe that I don't think dad or us kids noticed! Except one time! Mom made tuna noodle casserole, which I loved. I'm pretty sure it was a Friday during lent. And I'm pretty sure someone in the house had wiped out the potato chips. The recipe called for potato chips on the bottom and top of the recipe. My mom, always being the creative person she is, used Doritos instead! Well neither my dad and brother noticed and thought everything tasted fine. And to be honest she may have been on to something new! But I could tell something wasn't right and the first anticipated bite was not what I was expecting. It was not what mom's tuna noodle casserole was supposed to taste like! Long story short I'm pretty sure I was one of those NEVER enough people that day! I think I ate around the Doritos after I protested about my mom's recipe change. If it bothered her, she never let on. I now totally understand where she was coming from, you punt or change what you need to in a recipe or life! The Dorito tuna noodle casserole became a running joke between mom and I! I hope she wasn't hurt or offended by my less that kind, I'm sure, comments, especially since the two other people at the table didn't notice and ate it! Sorry mom. 

If there were any potato chips left in the house that day, I'm sure it wasn't enough...probably the story of my mom's life when she had kids at home. I know it was when I had kids at home. All I asked was that they just write it on the grocery list if they ate the last of something. As a mom you can never have enough food or milk or snacks in the house! But no one at that tuna noodle casserole table or in my house growing up or my house ever went without a food because there wasn't enough food. 

As negative as never enough sounds I prefer to look at it in a positive light. Never enough hours in a day when I'm with friends and family. Never enough time when it comes to life and all I want and hope to do, but I know I'll try. 

Today is a rainy day, thank goodness because we need the rain, but regardless if we get 1/10 or and 1.5" of rain, it is enough, it is what God intended and he is in control. 

Today will be enough, enough to get done what I want, hope, need to and to spend time with people or doing things that I'm supposed to be doing. It is enough. 

Challenging times

The last four months have been a challenge, little did I know when I left my school on Friday, March 13 I would not return, for months. Nor did I know it would be the last time I would see or work with some students and coworkers. And little did I know our school year would not finish, like it always has, or should or how we wanted it to.

Yes, life and a virus called Covid-19 has thrown the entire world a curve ball. Pandemic, quarantine, face masks and social distancing are all common every day words that will from here on be part of our lives. 

And regardless if you believe masks or social distancing helps or not respecting those who believe it and practice it is what you do. It is there choice, their life, their health or the health of a loved one. 

In the past four months I have went from high highs, I like the alone and home time. I've gotten things accomplished, projects done and things checked off my to-do list. But never before have I recalled four months like this nor has time blurred and ran together-does that make sense? I've binged watched and read and crafted and cleaned or organized and brain stormed, journaled, exercised or cooked as I have over the quarantine months. 

But mentally some days are better than others. And I know in these times that is to be expected. Yes, I know going to work or finding a part time job in all of this would have helped me mentally more than anything. 

But to be honest not a day goes by that I don't worry about the health and well-being of my family and friends. I'm thankful my parents aren't around for this as I'd fear for their lives. When all of this started I worried and feared for two of my family members, one battling cancer, one being older. The cancer won in my brother in-laws case and I know it is a lonely struggle for my father in-law as days and time gets long without seeing or talking to someone. 

Seeing friends for me has been very limited, and family even less. My heart aches missing my family, as a mom I'm sad for this time. But I also worry and pray every day to keep all of my family and friends safe. 

When I get down or inside my own head and that voice is doing me no good I have to remind myself how blessing I am. How lucky I am to be where I am and to keep a positive outlook at life. I know things could be a ton worse, so when that negative voice starts to get the best of me I have to bring myself out of and away from the negative and look for the sunshine. Yes, these are terrible times. There are so many issues and problems in this world. And yes things could be better. People could be a hell of a lot KINDER. And yes we need to unite not divide over race, the color of people's skin, the uniform they wear, the political party they support or belong to. Common sense and ethics seem to be less and less of the norm. 

So as another day rolls through and the anxiety and apprehension starts to mount regarding go back to school as this pandemic surges in numbers I have to remind myself that it takes just one positive. One small light to bring things back into focus. To give hope and that better times ARE ahead. 

But mainly I need to remember to be kind. Be kind to the person driving slow or walking slow or who forgets to social distance. It happens. And to be kind with what comes out of my mouth but more so the voice in my head. I need to be kinder to me. Just plain be kind and hang in there. 

Off road

No I'm not going to write about off roading in an ATV or some other vehicle made for rough terrain. I'm talking about loved ones on the road. Every day, going to work. 

Four years ago had had all three of my kids driving from 20 minutes to almost an hour one way to work, along with almost all of their spouses. So every morning this mom said an extra prayer to keep my travelers safe from harm and their commute a good one both going to work and coming home. 

Slowly over the past four years my kids have all had their commute to work shortened by a significant amount. Except for one, my daughter who was driving to and from almost 50+ minutes one way on a major interstate, alone, every day. And yes this mama worried and prayed as she left for work and then drove home each day. I was always relieved to see the summer come when school would be on vacation and her long drive would pause. But each August things would resume and so would this mom's prayers and worrying. I worried even more when she was pregnant at the start of this past school year. What if....her water broke or something else happened with her and the baby. 

But today that long distance commute along with the worrying and prayers came to an end. This next school year she will have a 20-25 minute commute, much closer to home and around 2-1/2 hours more a week  she can spend with her baby! Her route will be on local roadways, and no interstate traffic and all the stuff that goes with it. 

Yes, this mom's heart is relieved and a bit more relaxed. But I will still stay a special prayer for her as she drives to and from work each day for her safety. I will text her to make sure she makes it to her desination or chat, which is what we did quite often to pass the time and keep her company.  I am a bit less worried about her traveling and safety, but I'll still worry. 

I don't care how old my kids get, regardless if they are your kids by birth or marriage, this mom will always say a prayer for safe travels and worry in the back in my mind each day. 

So for now, until the new school year starts I can rest a bit easier and relax a bit regarding my daughters commute. And I will continue to thank god each day when they all arrive home safely each day.