Be careful what you wish for

A pandemic-that's what we are living through right now. And while it is a terrible thing the self isolation is not such a bad thing-at least I don't think so. I don't miss some things  and aspects of my life before all of this, while missing other things and people something terrible.

I miss my daily routine, going to a job, seeing people that I care about and having a purpose and reason to my day. The routine helps keep my migraines a bit in check, but I do have coworkers who are the human form of a headache for me, and I do not miss that or them in that aspect.

I do enjoy the alone time and the endless list of things I can do, choose to do and I find my short daily goals don't always get done, and that is okay, usually other things pop up and are accoplished. They are usually sidetracked by other things that make me feel accomplished and a sense of satisfaction.

This quarantine time has helped me get back to being creative, organized and less-as in getting rid of stuff and things that I don't need, like or want. Lighten the load, so to speak.

This time has allowed me to have more "me time". To try new things, and learn-self taught is fun thanks to youtube. To workout and sweat at my leisure, not hurried and rushed because I need to get ready for work or get home to make supper. Healthy me time!

My creative drive and hunger is back, from home decor to sewing to organizing and a host of other things, I feel a lot more at peace, a lot more me, a lot more in tune with me and my world.

This time apart has been a blessing. I don't have to listen to or hide from the negative. I can choose to deal with or listen or address those kind of people, if I want to. I'm no longer a good listening friend or someone to vent and bitch to-I don't have to if I don't want to. I can pretend to have not read the messages, texts, emails or phone calls. Sorry I'm too busy!

I'm also learning to be like people-I don't rush to answer emails or texts. I'm learning to not even reply or answer texts, messages or emails from some people. I'm done being "that person" for some people. I need to care less about those who care less about me. D. O. N. E. I'm treating you like you treat me-live and learn, I don't care if you don't.

Self isolation has given me the chance to clean and pay attention to details that I normally would not have noticed. This in turn gives me a sense of accomplishment, like a clean and fresh look to a ceiling fan! It's small, but it makes me feel good.

No I haven't been motivated enough to finish a book. But I have finished cleaning out some things, pitching stuff that is long over due and cleaning out aspects of my life and world that I normally would not have noticed or taken the time to do.

Before all of this I was wishing time away. Time when this or that was over and done. Wishing to be rid of coworkers or students who are a pain in my butt. And when then is all over some of those pain in my butt people will be gone-moved on and things will be different. Change is good, this is just not how we saw or planned on things happening, but it's all part of a big plan. A plan we are not in charge of or have control over. It is what it is.

So while I pray and keep social distancing each day and worry about my loved ones-hoping they don't get Covid-19, and miss my family that I haven't and can't see I find I am finding me again. I have had moments of peace and calm. I'm making the most of this time and seeing the world a bit clearer than before.

Somedays are more of a struggle than others

We all have those days, or parts of our days that are just challenging, a struggle or just plain difficult. And how you deal with those days, moments all depend on you. I'm 99% sure it also depends on a lot of variable from stress levels, to how you are feeling, what is going on emotionally and if you've gotten enough sleep!

Some people let a small moment ruin their whole day. I do this some times or I brood over it. I've been working on trying to let things go, some days I am successful in this, other days not so much. And often I often walk away. And if you want to argue that 1+1=5 have at it. It's not important. It's not important to me. Life is too short to waste it on small trivial things that are not important. Some people insist on always being right. I'm wrong more often than not. I'm very far from perfect. But you know what, in the end it doesn't matter, I tried.

I worked chain gang for a JH game last night, doing the down marker. You have to flip the paddle from 1-4 depending on what down it is and you follow and stay with the ball. I did a pretty good job for the first game of the year. But at one point my down marker got turned around so instead of it being 1st down I had it at 3rd down. I think it was the only time I messed up during the game. Not bad for the first time this year. I tried. I volunteered and it was hot and humid and kind of miserable weather conditions. But today I had a couple of JH football players tell me I messed up that one time. One time. Yep I did. I had the wrong down. At a JH football game. It had no decision in the game. Our team lost-it was their first game and I guess not one of those football players made a mistake. I'm not perfect. I complimented the guys on their game. I asked one how it felt to run the ball in for a touchdown. And you know what they said to me-that I had screwed up....wow. I really want to volunteer to do that again-NOT. Does it bother me-eh not really, what bothers me is the fact that these jerks think they are perfect and were quick to point out that I my mistake. I didn't say "hey way to drop or fumble the ball," or "wow you really got beat bad".

I beat myself up for my mistake last night after the game. Then I had a talk with myself about how it was just a JH football game. There was not a long list of volunteers to do the chain gang. In fact I was the only one to volunteer for quite a while. But really. I was trying to build JH boys confidence. Make them feel good about the positives of the game rather than the negatives and the fact that they lost. It's just a junior high game. Just. A. Junior. High. Game. Not life. I doubt I'll be judged at the end of my life for my mistake with the down marker at that JH game. I volunteered. I showed up. I did the best I could. But I'm not sure I'll be back...there are other places that need volunteers that making a mistake isn't such a big deal. What opened my eyes was my attempts to make them feel good about the good things that happened, not their mistakes and what they said to me about that ONE time. We'll see what the future holds. Volunteers are getting harder and harder to find.

Life is like that. Some times we let one incident define us. Some times one thing is the straw that brakes the camels back. Why am I bothering to volunteer do this? Who wants to set themselves up for that when I could be at home in the AC doing something a lot more fun....somedays are more of struggle. And maybe it's time to move on.

May your struggles today be small and insignificant in the whole picture of life.

Keep fighting the fight

Last night was the ninth Cancer Out/Coaches vs Cancer event that I was part of or headed. It was not the caliber of what I've done in the past but the motivation, and meaning and intentions was there.

I've gotten burnt out over the past couple of years. Kids who I work with, high school age, have gotten busier and/or lazier. It's a lot of fun, for a good cause, but it's a lot of work with very little help.

So after last year, sharing the event with another school group and having even more kids able to help but not getting the help from students I decided I was done. No more. I'd donate to Relay for Life and call it good.

My dance team girls, along with my relay for life rep kept asking if we were going to do another events. My girls saying they'd help and my rep being the supportive person she always is offering new ideas, trying to give me a renewed energy and fresh approach. No! I've had enough.

But in early December I found the thought of not doing an event weighing heavy on my mind. I found a little voice telling me "you need to do this" stronger than the thoughts of I've had enough, no more,  and I'm tired of doing most of the work. So I agreed to doing another round.

A week or two later the news of another close family member being diagnosed with cancer was a punch in the gut. THAT was the reason, the voice telling me to keep going, keep fighting.

Last night was our Cancer Out event. And as in past years it was a lot of work. I didn't let the stress of what needed to be done or what wasn't like past years bother me. And by the end of the night I knew I had done the best I could with the time, weather and working with a bunch of high school girls. It was a success, regardless of how much money was collected and raised. Every penny counts and it all is for one goal, working towards a day when no one will every have to hear the words "you have cancer" will ever be heard again.

So I'll keep fighting the fight.

The pear

Each year our FFA program does their proverbial fruit sales. And there are typically leftover items to sell. This year the FFA teacher gave each of her students a pear (as in the fruit🍐) and told the students to go give the pear to someone who has made a difference in their life and who they appreciate.

This time of year is a tough time in education, okay it's hard in education all year long but the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas break it tough because there is so much going on and kids check out earlier and earlier every year, meaning they don't want to work-probably because there are too many distractions or they have poor work ethics. It's like this during the last month or so of the school year too!

This little act of kindness that the students did with the pears was an uplifter for me. I received three pears. (no I'm not bragging and yes I feel bad for the adults who didn't get any pears). Three students thought enough of me and the care and kindness I try to do for them to say thank you and I appreciate you by giving me a pear.

Little acts of kindness sometimes are the biggest things. A kind word can brighten someone's day and be remembered for years to come. We have a tendency to remember one negative comment over 10 positive comments. (And I think this is more the case for females over males.) But I will remember the three students who walked in, handed me a pear and told me that they appreciate me and what I do for them. Talk about touching my heart.

So today I hope someone gives you a "pear". It can be as simple as holding a door open for you or a thank you or someone telling you "good job" or thanks for your help or a smile. Everyone needs to hear this, daily if possible. A compliment, a thank you, and a smile goes a long, long way. May it be a pear-kind of day!

What happened to kindness?

People are pretty unkind to one another. I don't know if it is worse now than it used to be but kind is not the norm, anymore.

I was brought up in a household where we helped one another. Family helped each other. Friends helped one another. Neighbors helped one another. You helped strangers. It just is what you did. We helped one another.

I don't know what happened along the way but helping one another and being nice has gone to hell in a handbasket.

I watched my dad and mom help one another every single day of their lives together. They helped one another in every aspect of their lives.

I'm an independent, strong-willed female and I will help if at all possible-I can't fix a car, but if you need me to show up and take you to an appointment, I'll do it. I've watched over the past few years, people of my own generation just sit. Sit and watch. Sit and watch and not do a blessed thing to help one another. What happened? Ignoring one another is the new norm? I understand why we have a younger generation of people who don't know how to help one another, who are self-entitled, self-centered lazy individuals who will only help if it benefits themselves. These kids don't volunteer or help anyone out. When now live in a society who don't open doors for one another, or pick up after themselves because we have an adult generation who are, for last of a better word, pretty uncaring and self-centered and the same way as the kids. No wonder our kids are like that.

I am a female who was brought up by a mom who worked her tail off and helped both on the farm and to run a house and raise a family I have pretty much followed in the same footsteps as my mom. But my mom and dad too helped one another and helped others. I work to make and do things for my family, just like my parents did. The difference now, no one helps. As a kid, I helped my mom. I watched my dad help my mom. That doesn't happen now, or seldom if it does.

What is wrong with giving your time? I now watch people of my generation just sit and not help, not volunteer. They ignore or just sit instead of helping one another. I'm willing to volunteer my time, to help someone out. But from my coworkers to friends and to family who don't lift a finger to help each other. What has happened along the way?

I'm partially mad at my self for allowing people to treat me like I have. For not speaking up. For not saying things like "you need to help" or "you need to do this' or just plain saying "HELP me". As a female, I have allowed men in my life to be lazy, chauvinistic individuals. Gender should have absolutely nothing to do with if you help someone or not. There is no such thing as "women's work". We don't live in the 1950s. I work outside the home and when I step foot inside my home I switch jobs. I don't sit around watching tv eating bonbons and I don't do things when or if I want to. I do it because it needs to be done or because if I don't do it it won't get done and because it should be done. This is how I've allowed people around me to act and behave...and I'm mad at myself. From work and the adults around me to the kids, I deal with every day...they all have blinders on to helping one another. What had happened to society?

I can tell you that kids now have no idea how to give of their time and talents nor how to volunteer because the adults have likewise have become a bunch of self-centered individuals who somewhere along the way have forgotten how to help one another and how to be kind...it's time for this to change. And for me, well I'm going to start calling people out. I'll probably be referred to as the crazy old lady in the nursing home who is telling everyone what to do, but otherwise, no one will be doing anything. Sad but true.

Open your eyes, put down your phone, and your self-centered attitude and open a door, help carry something for someone, volunteer, do what is right, do your part....be kind.

Thankful and grateful

It's November, that time of year where we draw special attention to everything we are thankful for. In my humble opinion, I wish this was the mindset of more people all year long, every day, rather than one month and day in particular but it's better than nothing. This is the time of year to appreciate what you have and who you have in your life. We are so blessed!

I try to do this every day, some days I rock the "thankful" thing, other days not so much. I'm human. From the fact that I wake up every morning (even though it was at 4 a.m. with a headache today, I woke up) to the people and blessings I have in my life, I try to be grateful. I always try to remember the saying "what if you only woke up today with what you were thankful for yesterday?". Wow, if that doesn't make you pause to appreciate and be thankful for what you have then I don't know what will.

We are doing a gratitude activity at work where we can write three co-workers, of our choice, a note with the premises of what and why we appreciate and are thankful for them. My first thoughts went to what about those who don't get a note of appreciation from any of their coworkers. I've been off the "list" with these kinds of activities before. I was typically one of the last ones chosen for teams in school (until high school when I learned not to be so shy). It is no fun to be left out and overlooked. It makes you question your worth and your whole being-it really kind of hurts. So on Monday I went to my coworker who is in charge of this activity and asked if she would let me know who does not get an "I appreciate you" note by the deadline. I wanted to make sure everyone got a note to the best of my ability.

Today she came to me with a list of people who she has not gotten an appreciation note to pass along to. I chose a couple, I passed a name or two along to other people who I knew would happily write a note and I tried to make sure everyone is made to feel appreciated. Just a small act of kindness and I know there were a couple of other people on staff who had the same conversation wanting to make sure everyone was recognized and received a note. A little kindness goes a long way.

Every morning and night I take a few moments to appreciate things like a roof over my head, food on the table, a country where freedom is a blessing, my kids and their spouses and the newest members of our family, my granddaughter, and granddog. I also ask for a good day for all my kids and spouses, safe travels to and from their workplace and that they are blessed in whatever way they need to be. I keep it simple and general-God know what each of us needs.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, simply because it is a day to appreciate and eat. To stop, relax, spend time with family and friends and to just be present in the moment. Learning and being thankful every day is a blessing.

An Iowa Hawkeye sweater

As I finish switching from spring/summer to fall/winter clothing this morning I ran across my dad's Iowa Hawkeye sweater. It's been over 18 years and I find this sweater every fall when I take it out of storage and again in the spring when I put it back in a container to store for the warm months. And to be honest, if I've worn the sweater it has been only one or two times. When I started this "tradition" 17 or 18 years ago I know the tears fell and honestly there were a few today. I can see my dad wearing this sweater yet. He was more of an Iowa Hawkeye men's basketball fan rather than football, purely for the fact that he was harvesting in the fall so Saturday football games were not a thing he had time for. You harvested when Mother Nature cooperated.

So today, once again, I ran across this sweater. It no longer smells like my dad, Old Spice was his choice of cologne, or as I always teased him calling it Old Swill! He would laugh every time I'd tell him he smelled good, like Old Swill!! The smell of Old Spice will take me back to my dad and bring back memories at the first whiff whenever I smell it now-they must still make it!

I'm a fall kind of person. I loved harvest time. Honestly, I loved every season on the farm, except for the sweltering hot days of summer and baling hay. So as fall rolls around every year I go back to the farm, harvest, my dad, the sights, smells and all that goes with it.

With the rainy weather we've had this year, I know my dad would be worrying and fretting about getting harvest done and the cost to dry the grain to store it and winterizing everything. I've been off the farm longer than I've been on it now, but I still miss it.

So today when that sweater surfaced I could picture my dad and hear his voice in my head....precious memories. And I would not trade them for anything in the world. All the time, visits, gas money, phone bills, effort, everything was so worth it now as I look back. As I was busy growing up, going to school, getting married and having a family I wanted to keep in touch. My parents were my go-to when I had a question or needed comfort and as I was growing up, they were growing older.

My mom used to go to church every weekday morning at 8 a.m. I would purposely call home after 8 a.m. just so my dad would have to answer the phone, and we would talk, often times until mom would get home from church other times just for five minutes. Dad would typically listen on the phone in the basement when my mom and I talked all the other times, occasionally joining in the conversation. But I would call and talk when mom was gone so just he and I could talk. And once after dad has passed away I called after 8 a.m. wanting to talk and hear his voice one more time, but no one answered. The phone just rang, he didn't pick up the phone. It was a moment of the grieving process for me that hurt like hell.

And now I'm glad I called. I made those phone calls for selfish reasons. For me. For the opportunity. For the memories. And man am I glad I did that. What I would give to be able to do that one more time.

So today the Iowa Hawkeye sweater will go on the shelf with the other sweaters and I'm going to try to make an effort to wear it, even if it's just once, for my dad, for me, for the memories. I miss my dad but I'm so blessed with so many memories. I so glad I made the effort, took the time and spent time with him.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened-thanks Dr. Seuss.